Humorous Quotes

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.Marlene Dietrich

[You find it] comforting to lie to yourself?

It's not a LIE if you simply... don't make any attempt to find out if you're wrong.Wondermark

You know, if you can sort of muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of food possibilities open up.Emile(Remy's brother), "Ratatouille"

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.Friedrich Nietzsche

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.Buckaroo Banzai, "Buckaroo Banzai", Earl Mac Rauch

If your kid is bullying my kid, and my kid has tried to tell your kid to stop, and your kid doesn't... my kid has been instructed to punch your kid in the face.Daniel Craig

To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.Thomas Paine

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.Unknown

Don't believe everything you read on the internet just because there's a picture with a quote next to it.Abraham Lincoln

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes - naturally, no one wants to live any other way.Judith Martin

I asked my Grandpa 'After 65 years, you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?' He said 'I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.'Unknown

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.Sir Terry Pratchett

Watch the sun rise at least once a day.Phil Dunphy, "Modern Family"

As soon as you say 'My child would never...' Here they come, nevering like they never nevered before.Studio 5

Lady behind me at 'The Thing' screening, last night, to her partner: 'Why are they shooting at the dog?' And her partner says, very firmly: 'Have you never seen a film before? You watch it and information is revealed.'Matt the Outlaw

Do not seize the day. This will startle the day and may cause it to become aggressive and give you a nasty bite.

Instead approach the day calmly without making eye contact, pet it gently, and slowly enfold it in a careful embrace.

If the day shows any signs of resistance to being engaged with, it is likely to turn on you. Back off and return to bed.@beecycling@romancelandia.club

If you replace the 'W' in the words 'When', 'Where', and 'What' with the letter 'T' then you have answered the question.Carnegie Mellon

English doesn't borrow from other languages. English follows other languages down dark alleys, knocks them over and goes through their pockets for loose [vocabulary and] grammar.Unknown

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.Rod Serling

I always say, don't wear a helmet if you haven't got anything to protect.Hobart Floyt, "Requiem for a Ruler of Worlds", Brian Daley

Of all the things that didn't happen, this happened the didn't'estUnknown

My buddy was a cook in the military (I was a medic). He also was an Afghanistan vet, so when people find out that he went to Afghanistan without knowing what trade he was, they are all like "wow, did you ever kill anyone?"

He always said "I was a cook, so probably."Michael Gauthier

If you need to ask the person you're trying to rob, "are you mental", you might want to rethink your life choices before continuing.@sascharai1335

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.George Burns

Cigarettes are like squirrels. They are perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.Unknown

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.Will Rogers

Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.Unknown